It’s been about a year since I left the West Coast and moved to New York City. I want to skip the sentimental shit — for later, maybe — and get to some things I need to get off my chest. Listed below you will find everything I have to bitch about living in this city. Yes, I’m complaining. What — like this city needs more praise than it already has? Come on, people. Trump still has a fucking tower here.
1. WHY IS THERE SPIT EVERYWHERE. Seriously. How come I have to dodge globs of spit on the sidewalk more than I do dog shit? I am disgusted by the sound of people hacking up their snot and lungs and expelling them onto the sidewalk. I’m. Walking. Here. I’m pretty sure spitting on the sidewalk is illegal, like, everywhere. If you are a perpetrator of sidewalk spit, please stop. You are making my phobia of germs worse.
2. Subway cards. Pretty sure everyone hates the subway for a plethora of unique and totally valid reasons. I do too. But, I have to say, it’s the little things that get to me most. And that would include metro cards. They are flimsy, pieces of shit that always, always, get lost. It doesn’t matter that I stick them in my jean pocket, or that I promise myself I’ll remember where in my bag I put it for “safe keeping.” I’ve lost my unlimited metro card just two days after using it, and I still blame having to use the subway and it’s paper-thin cards in the first place. And, while we’re at it, the subway manspreading needs to come to an end, too.
3. Seamless. This app is like the first bite you take into that Big Mac. It tastes so savory and satisfying after making yourself sick with Picklebacks at D.B.A. Bar (they’re delicious I promise). What a godsend. But after that first bite, it doesn’t taste so great — but you still eat it, because you’re committed to how great it tasted. And then you take another bite, and another, and everything you hate in life begins to fester in that Big Mac, reminding you of how you ended up there in the first place. This is what Seamless, and other delivery apps are to me. In theory, and in that first order, it’s fucking awesome. But over time, you notice your food is sort of sloshed around, tepidly warm, and not as good as you once remember. And you waited nine billion minutes for it to arrive.
4. Where is Trader Joe’s. Someone please explain the economic and political reasons why there are so few. Food Town and Key Foods sucks. Gourmet Garage is acceptable, but where is TJ’s? I have adapted fairly well to the cold ass weather, smelly alleys, and fuck boy MTA, but there are some things I have refused to compromise on. Like, TJ’s cheap ass Lara Bars, or the fact that they sell kombucha for the low-low. While I make myself subject to sounding like a whiny, entitled bitch, the question of TJ’s is what keeps me up at night. I love that there are TJ Maxx stores everywhere, though. #Maxxinista.
5. Compost. It hurts me that I have to toss my organic waste into the trash can, where I know it will end up unloved and rotting in a landfill. Why doesn’t Manhattan have compost? Probably good reasons. Like, raccoons or the intense summer heat. Yes, I did know that you can take your compostable items to Union Square’s Saturday farmer’s market, and dump your shit there — and that brings me more joy than getting a seat on the A train. But let’s be real. Am I really going to stack up my rotting food for an entire week, inside my apartment, and haul it down in some sort of bag? My ass. I’ve got better things to do on a Saturday morning. Like, eat french toast, or shake off my hangover in a cold shower.
I could probably think of a few more witty, whiny complaints about New York City, but the truth is, I actually like living here.